43. Smoking

 

Some mentally ill people smoke. I did. I chain-smoked 2 1/2 packs of Camel Lights per day. They were a dollar a pack when I started smoking them.

When I lived in supported housing there was a guy who sold cartons of cigarettes for the same price he paid on the military base in Monterey.  The cost was less, which helped because a good portion of my SSI check went to cigarettes. 

Smoking gives a mentally ill person something to do. You can spend hours smoking cigarettes and sipping coffee, soda, or even beer, while you're stuck in a house all day because of your paranoia. Each drag on a cigarette and its dose of nicotine gave minor comfort from the mental pain.

Cigarettes literally become like friends. You take them everywhere you go. I remember thinking one day while standing at a bus stop to catch a bus home, that all I needed were cigarettes and alcohol. There were periods of courage when I'd go to a bar during the day, drink up to a six-pack, and chain smoke.  Back then you could smoke in a bar in California. This would occupy me for a while and then I would go home. It was a pleasure that broke up the painful, paranoid hours spent pacing in the house. 

Years later, after my mind had healed some and I was preparing to go back to school, I quit smoking. My mom died of lung cancer during that time and the fear of getting emphysema caused me to cut back to a quarter pack a day.  I smoked the whole pack but only took a few puffs of each cigarette. 

I then read a book about how to quit that taught me how to mentally prepare to quit for good. I followed the suggestions and was able to stop smoking.  It took effort every day for the first month or two but it wasn't difficult. I never again had the desire to smoke, and it's good knowing my body has cleaned all the tar out of my lungs. 

42. The Tape That

 

The tape that gave me hope was a cassette recording of ocean waves breaking and crashing on the sea shore.   With mental illness came a psychic pain that was almost too much to bear.  For months I survived the pain by giving myself permission to kill myself in the future.  This thought was enough of a relief valve for the pain that I never made an attempt on my life. 

Also, my dad gave me strength one night when he told me that I wouldn't commit suicide.  His words prevented me from ever making an attempt, but they did not stop me from exploring the possibility. 

I called a pawn shop to find out what it would take to get a gun. I searched the house for my dad's shotgun, which I never found.  I imagined putting it in my mouth and pulling the trigger. Chilling thoughts today. 

I calculated how much medication I would have to take to overdose, and end my life. I constantly imagined what suicide was like, hoping it would end my pain without spiritual consequences.  Then I found a book that stopped that. 

In it a man who had actually committed suicide was brought back to life by doctors.  He said his spirit had gone to a dark, awful place, where he had the feeling he would be for a very long time. That kept me away from suicide as well.  The pain of mental illness was so terrible already that I couldn't imagine committing suicide and causing more pain to myself. 

Suicidal thoughts plagued me for many years. That cassette tape I had of the ocean crashing on the shore saved me.  I listened to it so much that it finally broke. It gave me the belief that even in the midst of suicidal pain and loss of peace of mind, that peace was possible.  The ocean, at that point in my life, represented peace. Hearing the waves helped me through the hardest four months of my entire life. 

I stopped taking lithium. My doctor had prescribed it thinking I was manic-depressive. Soon after, the mental pain changed enough for the better that I could manage without suicidal thinking.

41. The thought That

When I moved back into my Dad's house, a typical day looked like this.  My dad would get up and go to work, leaving me alone in his house. I'd get up and face the pain and the fear and the physical discomfort that was with me each day and caused me to pace.  I'd call suicide prevention lines for support and to help cope with the pain.

 From the moment I got up, I'd start chain-smoking, and pacing back and forth through the house. I'd sip on a cup of coffee each time I returned to the kitchen counter like I was doing laps. I did this for hours every day while my dad was at work. The mental pain forced me to think constantly. I had no peace of mind or mental rest. 

One day while pacing through the family room I remember thinking, "this illness is a vehicle for change."  It was the first real instance of positive self-talk I had given myself since being diagnosed. It also became the cornerstone belief I built upon in the years to come. 

Today I  look at myself and my life and see how they have changed more for the better than I would have thought back then.  I believe that  I could make a significant contribution to the world of mental health in some way before I die.

 I say this because of what I've seen God and Jesus do in me. 

It's becoming a more important part of my life because of the potential good it could do in the world of mental health. My dreams include creating and establishing a foundation that can serve the healing of the mentally ill all throughout the world.  From this vantage point in my life, these things are years up the road.  But the belief that they can happen is growing more and more real all the time. 

In the depths of the hell of mental illness, a thought was planted in my mind that today is starting to bear fruit. The ratio of positive to negative thoughts back then seemed 1000 negative thoughts to one positive. I found myself cultivating negative thoughts and then apologizing to the person I cultivated them toward. 

 I was ashamed at deliberately cultivating negative thinking towards someone I loved. Through my relationship with Christ I've learned to treat my mind like a sive by removing the vile thoughts from the good. I then speak and build my life with the good. 

It is a constant process that will have no end in this life. Our minds in this life will always need constant attention to work the way they are intended to. The process of finding the good in our thinking and discarding the rest can become a habit that takes effort to maintain. 

There is scripture in Christ's gospel that addresses this part of life, that weeds, or tares (negative or bad, critical, mean, destructive, and even evil thoughts) grow in our thinking along with the good thoughts, and that they must  be sorted from the good and discarded, left to die. Part of healing a mental illness involves developing the mental strength to be able to refuse using one thought in favor of using another. 

Overcoming the pain of mental illness greatly helps develop a stronger mind, a mind with greater strength to choose sound, creative thinking and thoughts. Anyone can learn to conduct their mind in sound creative ways.

40. Finally Diagnosed

 

If not for my mother,  I don't know if I would have been diagnosed.  I would have taken longer for me to get help, and  I would have gotten into further trouble.

Just before I received my evaluation and diagnosis I spent a weekend in jail.  I was arrested for taking my clothes off in public.   I had disrobed publicly several times before being arrested.  It made me feel somehow close to God, in His presence.  I was relieved to be in jail.   I couldn't do anything else like that while I was there.  I made no effort to contact anyone to bail me out. 

On the afternoon of my arrest, there were two of us in the cell they put me in. By late evening, when they began admitting us into the main jail, the cell was packed.   I remember staying in the shower stall.  I felt safe in jail.  It felt like God went there with me.     

I was taken to the courthouse with the other inmates on the Monday after my arrest.  They had us sit in the jury box where we could look out and see everyone in the courtroom.   My dad was there.  I don't know how he found out I was in jail because I hadn't called anyone to let them know.  I remember feeling deeply moved that he was there.  I felt tremendous love from him by his presence in the courtroom.

The judge brought up my case.  I don't remember what I said,  only that it was brief.  I was told to see a psychiatrist for six months, which I did.  I was never able to talk to that psychiatrist about what I had done, or been going through.  Our visits were always a brief fifteen minutes, and the six months of seeing him didn't help anything.  I saw him after my stay in the mental hospital I was in, as well. 

After my release from jail, I rode the bus back to my dad's house with my jail ID bracelet still on my wrist.  I don't remember talking to anyone about what I had done when I got home.  A day or two after getting to my dad's house, my mom and sister came to visit.  They told me to get in the car, that we were going for a ride, and I was happy to do so. They took me to the local mental hospital. 

Once admitted, I went to the intake room.  My mom and my sister were there, and a hospital worker named Laura.  Laura closed the door and began talking to me, and asking questions. For four years my illness grew worse and worse in me, and I had never talked to anyone about it.  I hadn't known what was happening to me.  I didn't know how to reach out to anyone for help.  I started pouring everything out. I don't know how long I was there, but it was a relief to finally talk about what I'd been going through for years. 

They admitted me and told me I'd be staying there.  I remember noticing they locked the door after they let me in so I wouldn't be able to leave.  I could tell something major in my life was changing from that point on. They gave me my diagnosis and began giving me medication.  I now knew I was mentally ill.

39. You'll Be

The year after my diagnosis I was living at my father's house.  My days were full of terrible psychic pain, suicidal thoughts, and a persistent paranoia that terrified me.  On this one day, however, I was given a ray of hope. 

My Father's friend Mo was visiting. (I was working for Mo at his home when I took my clothes off and walked to a neighbors to ask for a glass of water. I was promptly arrested.)  Mo was visiting with his partner, Pam, who was an encouraging person. She saw hope and possibility in everything around her. 

In my hopeless condition, I was starved to read or hear anything positive. I had found no confirmation from any source that stated I could heal.  All I had was my own weak, but certain belief that I could, and would. No evidence to support my beliefs could be found or seemed to exist. 

On this day Pam started a cheerful conversation with me. I immediately felt better. We were talking about my chances of getting well when she said this…

"When you get this worked out you're going to be a pillar!" 

She said it with such confidence it caused something inside me to stand up straight. Part of me was drenched in hopelessness, paranoia, and fear.  But in that moment I was aware of another part of me. I felt there was something in me that could heal.  I felt I would, indeed, be a pillar. 

Her words were as real to me as the concrete under my feet, and I clung to them. I never forgot what she said. After all these years, and everything I've been through in God's iron regimen that is my life, I believe He is using me as a pillar. My spirit has that kind of substance and strength.  It has those qualities because of Him. 

Pam's words still live in me today. They're as vivid  as the day she spoke them. They're set in me with permanence in the same way a child places their hand and footprints in a slab of wet concrete. They have marked me forever.

38. Your Therapist

 

Your therapist wants to know if you believe you can heal your mental illness.  Before they take you on as a new patient, a good therapist will make sure you believe you can heal. Without that belief, he or she may be powerless to help you. 

Christ taught that as we believe so it is done unto us. We can heal if we believe, and follow through with the mental and physical effort needed for the work that must be done.   The healing of your life and mind can resemble Job's life in the bible. We live a good life.   We lose that life to our illness.  And sometime later (different time frames for different people) we are restored. 

God gave us Job's life and story to encourage us.  God works the same way in our lives that He did in Job's.  Just the illness is different. It's worth noting that this restoration takes work on our part.  Our mind heals and becomes sound through the work. 

Jesus often required some small act of faith, like stretching out a hand, or getting up to walk, from those he healed.  In cases like ours, all he requires is a simple relationship with Him. He requires us to create the life we want.  As we do that, His healing forces work in our favor.   Over time, he brings about our healing, and we create the life we want to live.

37. God Has Designed Us

God has designed us so we often resist change without the help of suffering.  Suffering, no matter how great, can't harm us.  It is allowed in our life as a catalyst for the fundamental,  thorough transformation of our mind, heart, spirit, and life. 

God makes the development of the very mind, spirit, heart, and life we want with a cataclysm of pain.  He does this when we're enduring our illness, even if we cannot see these g things coming.  Mental health, soundness, and fitness of our inner spiritual life await.  We must travel by blind faith for many years. A new mental life and health are out there for everyone who won't quit in its pursuit.

 God withholds this mind from no one. The most mentally ill person on earth can receive it.  We have much to learn about our minds.  The most important thing is being in possession of our own minds.  Learn to think like Christ.  Be able to take thoughts captive, and be willing to guard your mind, choosing what you let in. Such a guarded and protected mind can open in the proper way, upwards, growing in width the higher it goes towards God in Heaven. 

Possession of the mind, the cleansing, and control of its thinking, is one of the hardest things a human can learn.  It is the key to living a successful, fruitful, and worthwhile life.  The suffering of mental illness begins to come to an end when you learn to take possession of your own mind.  Even when it is full-blown sick. God can be trusted to create the circumstances that lead you to the moment when your mind can truly become YOUR mind. Once you have possession of it you can begin to heal. If you pursue the life you want to the best of your knowledge of what that is. 

Learning to relate to Christ is key, for He is the source of the mind God desires us to have.  It's a mind where mental illness has no place, and cannot dwell.  One that can be your own. Our suffering is designed to bring us to possess our own minds. and go on to form the mind of Christ in our own mind. 

Perhaps the suffering we experience is so great because the difficulty of creating Christ's mind in place of our own is difficult. at least getting to the point where we can is difficult. God may allow such pain with mental illness because He knows that's what it takes to get us to change.   All those years of suicidal thoughts and profound mental pain are what must be endured for the reward of a mind like Christ's.

36. Even In

Even in the deepest darkness, the deepest hells of mental illness, God is with you. My wonderful therapist Frank Lanou once referred to mental illness as one of life's hells. It is indeed that. Many of the aspects of the hell of mental illness are the same as those depicted by Catholics in their books about what hell is like in the spirit world. 

However, God created us so even if we find ourselves in the hell of mental illness, certain things are still possible while we're there. 

1) Friendships grow. We develop significant enduring friendships with people we live through these years of our life with. People we share mental health housing with become lifelong friends. People we meet in mental hospitals become friends and inspire and enlighten us. Caregivers, caseworkers, therapists, psychiatrists, and everyone who aids our journey during these dark, frightening years become permanent parts of our lives, and who we become. 

2) There is a way through. Even with the ability to live a normal life out of our grasp, there is a path through mental illness that requires creativity. We create daily routines that enable us to survive our housebound years. There is a way through that requires us to find our way through the dark. Simple faith makes healing possible.  Over time, it may lead to a fully healed mind, one that is sound and strong, and correct in its thinking.  One no longer suffering from "voices," delusions, paranoia, and the terrible shame that accompanies a mental illness. 

3) We still feel love and kindness and can give and show them, as well. While many of the good feelings we enjoyed before getting ill left and were replaced with physical and mental discomfort, love and joy still break through.  They remind us that they're still in us and have not died away. We are enduring an illness that removed the good feelings and left us searching.  Searching for a return to the life with an abundance of good, pleasant, and wonderful feelings.  Feelings that will return in time in new and better ways. God works in us, using our illness to increase our capacity to feel, love, and show compassion to others. 

4) We still dream.  Our dreams are often dreams of healing, and living a life free of mental illness. These dreams, like any dream you had before you were sick, that you pursued, do come true.  As long as you take action to help them come true, they do.  We eventually find ourselves, after years of mental illness, living a life we couldn't even dream of when ill. Life becomes so much better than we thought it could be. We win, and we're given a level of mental health we didn't know exists. 

5) Needs are met, and God never stops working on our behalf. He provides for our needs. Housing is given if you seek it.  Money, even if it is just an SSI check, will be provided.  If you find yourself having to ask or panhandle for money,  people will give to you. You will have food, clothes, and transportation even if it's a bike or the bus. The key to all things working in your favor while you are ill is the same for someone who is not ill. You must come to God and have faith that He exists. Christ spoke to us and said, "come to me." That simple command holds the key to enduring and emerging from, your years of mental illness. The simple belief that Christ is there, and that you can approach, and press into Him. He is, and you can. He lives, and through a simple relationship with Himself, you can heal your mind and spirit. 

6) You can develop faith in the depths of mental illness.  In it's painful and dark hell.  Faith in God is still possible, and that faith will lead to the healing of your mind, to your whole life. You will be led into a mental health and soundness you didn't know was possible.  You will be led back into the light of a joyful, wonderful life.

35. Staying on SSI

Staying on SSI, in the long run, can lead to a deep misery in our souls. God has placed the energy of His spirit inside each of us. This energy demands that we act and use Him, (this energy is God's own spirit), to create something of our life. This energy can feel miserable when we underuse it for long periods.  It transforms into joy as we begin to use it to make something of our life. This may explain why some people who stay on SSI while doing some work, never experience the deeper joys from the misery that accompanies long periods on SSI. Especially when we've grown capable of working our way off it. 

SSI may be needed for decades. Only you can determine if you are willing to one day work yourself off of it. The full return of the soundness of your mind, the tranforming of your mind into a new creation will in all likelihood need the help of your efforts to work at something that supports your life off of SSI. 

We never come to an end to our mind's growth in this life.  Our minds never, even in God's heaven and kingdom, stop growing.  But we can indeed outgrow and leave behind the illness of our mind, while we live our life here on earth. It is a very worthwhile thing to work for. 

No amount of difficulty in work is worth sacrificing your life for an SSI check.   God has given you a spirit in Jesus that can overcome even the most severe things we must face in this life. He wants you to live a life of exceeding joy. 

He gives life value and makes our lives valuable to others. Every life is precious to God. No amount of mental illness is too great to be healed of. God has a plan and purpose for your life. 

For those who are willing, meet Him in that life one day off your SSI check, tasting the rapture of a right relationship with God, living in the freedom to fulfill and accomplish the purpose He created you for.

34. There Was

There was, in the first years after being diagnosed with my illness, typically one night a month where I could not get to sleep. Those were miserable days, and they happened like clockwork, month after month after month. My psychiatrist would give me four sleeping pills per month, and I would use them all each month. Even today, decades later, if I don't take my small dose of clozapine on a daily basis I cannot get to sleep.  My mind fights to stay awake if I don't take it, and I can't sleep. I'm at peace with needing medication to sleep. There are no side effects. It is just part of my life.

33. My Soul Lives

 

My soul lives in a kind of darkness that accompanies me wherever I go. This darkness is more noticeable when I'm in a house and staying home more than going out. This darkness has the effect of driving me into the light. The light that shines from Christ's throne with God in heaven. The light given to us to illuminate our way in this world. 

I have lived without a home of my own long enough to know that God Himself is my home.  I know that wherever He chooses for me to live (in my car, at a friend's, or sometimes at a family member's house) I always have a place in Jesus Christ.  Where ever I am that makes me feel at home. 

It is a gift, this inner darkness, as it allows me to see where to reach, and grab God's hand.  As a result, I never feel alone, or without a friend.  Jesus loves me more than anyone else on earth can. He knows how to direct my life so that it is fruitful and useful. 

This inner darkness has no power to rob me of the joys I know, or the pleasure of living a useful life that impacts and influences others. It can't bar me from encounters with true happiness, or the true love that touches me as I go about living. My dreams not only live, but they also increase in size the closer I come to God. 

I live with a total trust in Jesus, for there are distresses and concerns that would overcome me if not for His living presence in my life.  The things that distress and concern me like my health, my living situation, and material insecurities, have no power to diminish the prize of my own life because He is there. 

Instead, life remains an eternal adventure, even amidst homelessness, poverty, and broken health. The promise that the future can change into something better is an inextinguishable source of hope. I work at doing what I must to make it happen. 

The treasures I am reaping at this point in my life are treasures of character, will, and resolve. I have the ability to pursue what I want of life, even in the face of impossibilities.  They are powerless to prevent a new life from happening.  The darkness that was sent to deter me has instead (by Christ's life and death and resurrection)  become a stairway that leads home.  The Home above where no illness of any kind, in any form, exists. 

I'm like a runner in a marathon finding his greatest strength, his greatest energy, at the end of the race. I'm finding within me a new spirit whose most fruitful days are ahead. A spirit that wants to run at its highest capacity the closer I get to the end of my life.  The price I must pay for the life that I want, I am more and more willing to pay, the longer my life goes on.

32. Mental Illness Four

Mental illness will give you the opportunity to learn to detach from the material things you own. As your life goes on, and you heal, you will make the pleasant discovery that you can own things without attachment. This brings new freedom into life.

31. Be Willing

 

Be willing to part with your SSI check when the time comes to regain your mental health. Your mind will need to be disciplined, and engaged in making a living for yourself, to be in your fittest, healthiest, soundest condition. The time to learn to work and support yourself may be years, or decades up the road. 

For some people getting off SSI may not be feasible. Deep misery can accumulate in a soul that avoids work for too long. Sometimes it is this misery itself that drives us back to work, when we see the misery will not abate, or heal, if we remain inactive.

If the right thought processes are created, and the right beliefs put in place, we will have no desire for dependence upon an SSI check for money.  Even if the work is very difficult

If we encounter financial problems after learning to support ourselves off of SSI,  we won't return to the numbing effect SSI has on the spirit. The spirit God gives us demands that we learn to help others. 

Having said that, SSI is a very real need for many and may be for many long years with mental illness. Still, a mentally sound man or woman will use their mind for work that brings joy, meaning and purpose to their life. 

SSI can hold us back from our best life. If we get comfortable receiving it we may miss the opportunity purposeful work can bring. We may miss the opportunity to heal the mind when the time to go to work arrives.

30. Christ Is Not

Mental illness is not punishment.  It is something God uses to bring you into a relationship with Him through a relationship with Jesus. The road through mental illness leads to the doorway to a relationship with Christ. Once that door is reached you can knock and it will open, no matter how long it takes to get there.

It is through that door you'll find the end of your illness and the beginning of impeccable mental health.  You will find a relationship with Christ.  A relationship that allows you access to treasures in your spirit.  And the soundest life possible, by entering into the treasure house that is Christ Himself.

29. It Is A Mistake

It is a mistake to think mental illness will heal the same way a cut on your finger heals. That you can just put a bandage over it and give it time and it will heal. It is also a mistake to think that once you are healed of your illness it will be easy to go back to work. 

It is actually quite difficult to heal from mental illness. It requires doing the difficult work of developing new thought processes. Going back to work after many years on SSI, and not working while on SSI, can be a very difficult and uncomfortable process. The mind in some ways atrophies through many years of being on SSI. The mind needs to be strengthened after years of illness. 

Reading is the best way to strengthen a mind and learn new ways of thinking. Listening to things that help you build your mind and its new thought processes help too. New thought processes applied to some form of work allow you to learn new mental discipline, which is important to help your mind grow sound. 

What drives these new processes is a strong desire for a new life and the willingness to pursue it with the belief that you will heal. Nothing will stop the healing of your mind except the very way you think coupled with what you believe, backed by your willingness to work to create the life you want. Once you accept that the healing process is difficult, in many ways it stops being difficult. It becomes something that simply requires real effort. 

Any mind can heal. Even the most severely ill mind can be changed and made new.

28. Alcohol

Alcohol, and the need to drink, can be part of surviving mental illness.  I did it so I'd

have something to do in the house I was stuck in because of my illness, and paranoia. 

I'd do it often with one of my housemates for the social aspect.  I'd do it to get drunk enough to sleep for an hour.  I'd do it to get a break from the pain of my illness.  

Sometimes, upon waking in the morning, I'd go buy beer or wine and drink for an hour so I could sleep again.  I'd do this for short periods of time, a week or two, then I'd stop. 

I quit drinking alcohol altogether after a few years of this routine.  I never went back to it.

27. There Is No Need To

There is no need to compare your path of healing or the things that bring about your healing to the path of someone else.  Your healing will have its own design and it will not be exactly like anyone else's.  As long as you believe you will heal and refuse to give up that belief, God will engineer circumstances to help.  He will bring about the right medications, housing, doctors, therapists, school, and work.  He'll bring everything you'll need for the healing of your mind. 

You must help the process by pursuing the life you want. You may not know the kind of life you want when you're in the deepest throes of your illness.  Set out towards something you dream of anyway and let God steer you.  It will be given.

A great life takes effort to create, and coming out of mental illness takes tremendous mental effort.  You will learn to create a new life, and discover what you truly want when you do the difficult mental work required to change. 

What we want in life doesn't disappear because we're mentally ill.  It remains inside and starts to surface as we progress along our path of healing. The life we most want to live is still in us.  The illness we endure is like an agonizing birth process we must go through for this new and wonderful life.  It is our prize as we start to live it, as we heal

26. When I Realized

When I realized I'd be housebound and staying indoors to survive the constant paranoia I found ways to occupy my time.  I discovered I could pace back and forth across the room I was in chain-smoking, and sipping on coffee.  I'd do this for many hours of the day. 

To make room in my stomach for all the coffee I was drinking I'd go out back where tall weeds would grow, and put my finger down my throat.  I'd throw up what I just drank, making room for more so I could continue pacing.  After a while, I didn't have to make myself throw up to keep drinking coffee. 

This routine gave me a sense of pleasure, which was refreshing since the illness had removed pleasure from my life.  Everything that previously gave me pleasure no longer did. 

The routines of smoking, drinking, and pacing went on for years.  I eventually grew out of the need to pace, and the high levels of physical discomfort left.  I also quit smoking.   I drink lots of fluids to this day, but I now drink as an aid to my spiritual life.

25. The Story

 

The story that scared me away from suicide was a story I found in a book about life after death...

  During the year I was diagnosed  I began to experience psychic pain that was so terrible I was contemplating suicide.  I wanted to find out what happened to someone who committed suicide because that was all I could think of doing to end the pain I was in. 

I came across a story of a man who had committed suicide and was pronounced legally dead. He was taken to a hospital where they resuscitated him and brought him back to life. After he recovered he said that he had gone to a dark, awful place and it felt as though he would be there for a very long time. This was enough to scare me away from suicide. 

At that point, my mental illness was quite terrible and painful.  I also had high levels of physical discomfort that caused me to pace all the time.  Constant paranoia terrified me all through the day. Yet his words about suicide seemed like an even worse thing to have to go through than mental illness. 

I also remember hearing someone say if you kill yourself you will not be around when you do heal, and that struck a chord with me as well. But it was what my father said to me one night during that painful period of life that saved me from ever attempting suicide. 

During this period of terrible pain, I told my dad all I could think about was killing myself.  My dad told me I would not kill myself.  His words surprised me. That one sentence from him in my moment of desperate need passed into me enough strength so that I never tried to hurt myself. 

In the years to come the pain I was going through was so suicidally strong the only way I could cope was to give myself permission to kill myself, as long as it was in the future. As I survived these bouts with this strong pain, my thoughts of killing myself would pass. 

I relieved the psychic pain by writing mental suicide letters to people. In time, I did heal, and the pain ended.  I was ever so grateful for the strength my father gave me that night that saved my life. 

You too will heal, and the pain you are going through will one day be gone, leaving you with a strong mind. We are capable of bearing very high levels of mental pain. The pain causes us to grow. Yet we don't see the growth until years later.  We see it when the pain is gone, and life is full of new joys, happiness, and soundness of mind.

24. One of the Pitfalls

One of the pitfalls of the healing process of mental illness is the desire to return to the mind you had before you were ill. This is sometimes possible, but more often than not a new mind must be created. 

It can take a long journey, and many years, to let go of trying to go back to your old mind.  But it can be done with mental discipline, medication, new thoughts, and new beliefs.

After many years we may finally stop trying to regain the mind we had before we were sick.  We will learn to move forward again in our lives, with a new mind.  A life so much better than the one we lost. 

We will sometimes get glimpses of the immense potential, and ability, of the mind.  We'll see that the mind is capable of so much more than we call upon it for in this life. With these glimpses, we can only wonder at the worlds that lie ahead of us on our journey home to God. 

A mind that is wracked with the terrible pain of mental illness can go on to taste wonderful new realities.  Realities that give evidence of worlds to come, worlds that are hidden from view in this life. One can only wonder at the new heaven and earth God has planned for the human race. Mental illness will not be on the earth forever. Jesus has begun the end of it.

23. Marilyn's Uplift

 

The world is filled with remarkable mental health workers. In my own life of mental illness, I was blessed to have the support of people who were kind and helpful.  Now, years after moving beyond the need for their support, I can see how remarkable they were, and how much love they gave me. 

For me there was...

• my psychiatrist, Himani Natu
• my case worker Conrad Goeringer
• my psychotherapist Frank Lanou 
• Nancy Kargas
• and a mental health worker named Marilyn Dreampeace. 

There were many others too. Wonderful, wonderful people who assist us mentally ill folk like the angels around us that we can't see.  They help us navigate our lives on earth. 

I have to share a simple moment that happened years ago.  It was during a period of my illness when I'd moved into an apartment on my own for the first time since being diagnosed.  I was having a difficult time by myself.  I'd hoped that I'd heal more than I had at that point. Things like taking a short walk to the store to buy ice cream were terrifying for me.  I was sleeping all day and staying up all night for long periods to try to manage the paranoia of my illness. 

I was attending a day treatment program at the time. One day while sitting on the patio smoking a cigarette, I saw Marilyn walking up to the trailer to where her office was.  There was no one else around and when she got to the door she stopped and looked at me.  She said, "Mike, you know, you might have a real good future ahead of you." 

Her words changed me instantly.  I was in an almost hopeless period in my life when she said that.  It literally carried me for the next five years. Whenever I recalled her words I'd feel an uplift in my spirit and mind.  Her words sustained me more than anything I'd read or heard during that period of my life.  It was remarkable. I was astounded by the effect of what she said for years. 

The most remarkable thing about Marilyn was something I learned years later when I was working at a hardware store in Santa Cruz.  I was learning how to work and support myself to get off of SSI.  I was at the front counter writing receipts for customers as they paid for their items.  A mental health worker I knew named Rebecca came up.  

She told me Marilyn had died of cancer. She told me that at the memorial service person after person shared about how Marilyn had done or said something that saved their lives in some way.  I told Rebecca what Marilyn had said to me that day years ago, and the effect it had on me for years.  We were both astounded. The world of mental health is full of people like Marilyn.  People who help sustain and heal the mentally ill with their words and actions. They do this day in, and day out. 

22. You Will Not

You will not kill yourself. With the onset of the severe pain of mental illness and unbearable discomfort in the body, suicidal thoughts become part of your life.   There may be days where that's all you think about.  Sometimes the only way we find relief from the mental pain is by giving permission to kill ourselves in the future.  Even if we don't really want to.  We just want the pain to end. 

If we can survive the pain we'll come to see we can endure it.  We don't need to hurt ourselves. We must find mechanisms like pacing, chain-smoking, and drinking coffee all day to help endure the pain. We can never resort to suicide because if we do we throw away the chance to heal forever.

 Suicidal thoughts are permissible. Writing suicide letters in your mind can help.  If you bear the terrible pain, it yields to you, and you will have a brand new mind, one far better than the one that got sick.  You'll find that the pain that was once so bad can't drive you to suicide if you believe you can heal.  It is possible for anyone, even someone with the most debilitating mental illness, to heal. The key lies in your belief that you will heal. Mental illness doesn't stand a chance because of Jesus. 

If you believe you can heal (and you can), and nourish that belief with the help of a therapist, caseworker, or friend who believes you can heal,  you'll become a new person, with a new mind.  You will no longer be even the slightest bit sick. 

Your life will become a prize no one can take from you.  You'll find so many hopes and possibilities that you'll feel like a rich man or woman.  What seems impossible in the darkest years of your illness will become a new life up the road.  You will inherit a spirit that will not quit.

21. While Being

While being reborn in the spirit, the onset of mental illness can be sparked. It is written that what is called rebirth, or being born from above, the rebirth Jesus spoke of, is a great correction of our spirit, soul, heart and mind back into it's proper relationship with God. This tremendous upheaval of our beliefs and the thinking processes that support them, and the views we hold of the world, that come with the awakening of our soul and mind into this new life, sends us onto a path that leads to mental illness. This period of our life that we spend being ill is akin to a filthy automobile, (the person we are at the time of our new birth), then being sent through a car wash where giant cleaning brushes and jets of water (the pain and hell of mental illness), violently clean the car so when the car exits the car wash, it is in a clean, new condition, (us after healing of our illness). Our illness is actually the quickest method God has at His disposal for cleaning and purifying our spirit and thinking, putting us in a new relationship with Him and getting us in tune with the life of Jesus. God's nature is one that includes utter soundness for our minds and part of healing the mind requires learning how His mind works in Jesus, through relating to Jesus. who was given to us that we might inherit His same mind, which anyone can. While mental illness entered the human race as part of the fall of the human race through Adam and Eve, which introduced disease into the world, God uses mental illness as a cleansing, cleaning, and corrective vehicle that makes possible massive transformation in a person who will view their illness as something that can be used to bring about great change in themself and their mind, and the way they are able to live their life.

20. The Day

The day I learned I could change my thoughts I'd spoken to a person on the suicide crisis line.  Although I wasn't suicidal, I called the line a lot. I called because there was always someone to talk to, and I needed to share what I was going through with someone. The workers were always kind. and talked to me as long as there wasn't a "lethal case" call.  

I was hearing voices in my head at that time in my life. I remember getting off a Crisis Line call one day, and realizing I could change my thoughts. Within a month of this discovery I applied for, and received, a new one bedroom apartment in a housing cooperative in Santa Cruz. I was searching for a way to move out of the housing program I was in, and now after my discovery I was able. I could change my thoughts to change my living situation.  So I did. 

I moved into this new apartment, made a couple trips to the mental health unit to change my medication and the voices were gone. Two years later I had to move back into the housing program I'd been in, but the voices I'd heard for seven years were gone. I also found I no longer needed therapy (I'd seen a psychotherapist for four years). The end of the voices came about through tremendous mental effort, and taking possession of my own mind. A medication called clozapine also helped. I still take a very small amount of it today.

19. Why Didn't I

Why didn't I act on the dreams I had when I first became mentally ill?  I've never really known.  I now believe I didn't act because something in me wanted a greater life.  A life I couldn't know when I first started getting sick.  A life that required bypassing the dreams I had back then. 

Now,at age 59, I see evidence of a greater life starting to grow.  I see the necessity of bypassing the dreams I had at twenty.  The part of us that dreams great dreams is hard to discern in our youth.  It's there, but to see what's possible in life we must travel through decades.  We must allow God to develop us into the glorious vision that is invisible when starting our a life after the first rebirth of our soul. 

Sometimes all we see when we're young is a fruit growing on someone else's tree.  All we know is that we want to bear that fruit on our own. But we have no idea how to, or what to do to bring it forth. As our life decays into our growing illness we panic over the loss of our old life.  We find ourselves holding on to our dreams with desperation.  We have dreams, but we're making no effort to fulfill them. 

We may reach for something great, or try to do what someone else did. But we fail.  We crash and burn.  Our old life becomes wreckage, and our mind is now full blown sick.  We have no idea how to make it through life in our condition.  Ironically, God now has His opportunity to rebuild us, and our life. He succeeds by creating a life where it possible for us to bear the fruit we desired in our youth. 

A second chance comes and we're prepared to claim it.  We're prepared to realize our new dream, which becomes God's dream for us. It is magnitudes larger than the one we had when we were getting sick. 

Through a relationship with our Lord Jesus Christ, He makes us fit for long stretches of time.  As we learn to relate to Him, day in and day out, we may realize this new dream.  The dream we were afraid of doing at twenty is now something we're willing to do. 

Because of our fitness in spirit, mind, and countenance, we are unafraid.  We can see Jesus has engineered us for the benefit and gain of others, and we follow our Lord wherever He leads us. Even into the very center of the world.

18. I Remember

I remember the day. It was shortly after leaving the mental hospital and support house I was first in. I was living with my Dad and I saw a cartoon about Humpty Dumpty. Humpty Dumpty was in a hundred pieces after falling from the wall and nobody could put him back together again. I remember seeing that cartoon and realizing I too, was now broken into a hundred pieces. I could see no way of ever being whole, in one piece, ever again, and this realization felt tragic. I left it at that. 

As I write this 35 years later, I'm whole. I'm mentally sound and fit. I have a far better spiritual, interior life than I ever dreamed or knew was possible. Back then when all I saw of myself was a tragic brokenness with no remedy. I didn't know that God can, will, and does restore His broken, mentally ill children. He can recreate, and remake you.   He can remove the illness from your mind, and the pain that goes with it. He will give the gift of a new mind, and a new spirit, to allow the living of a new life in a fruitful and effective way. 

The healing process occurs over a long period of time. It requires your help, your own mental effort, if you want to think in a new way, and adopt new beliefs. You must be willing to work for the life you want. You must persevere and never give up. The life that awaits is far better than you can dream, or imagine, when suffering with mental illness. It's kept hidden from view. 

Mental illness is a catalyst in our life. It's meant to bring about a dramatic, and radical change in who we are. Mental illness is terrible and tragic while  it is being endured. But the person who can come out of it is one we didn't know we could be.

17. Even After

 

Even after decades of healing your mind, and achieving soundness, you may still feel a dark reality in the soul.  Things around you may be fine and well, but within the spirit exists a different world. If you are anchored in Christ you might see your inner world as beneficial.  You might see it  as the world of wonder it is, despite what it feels like.

Spiritual books say that some of God's children are like flowers, and that they only open their petals at night. They say some of His children blossom only in darkness.  Maybe the darkness in us is a glimpse into a spirit world we'll one day live in.  It will appear frightening now, but will feel like home when we arrive.  It will be a place of wonder and discovery.

If Christ has become the head of your life and the rock your feet stand upon, you can taste these worlds in spirit.  If God appoints us to live in such a place one day we'll find great joy there.  Greater, even, than what we know on earth.  We'll find an environment that lets us develop into who we truly are in the world. His true home for us is in His heaven.

16. Mental Soundness

 

Mental soundness does not mean that the mind has stopped developing or healing. It means it has come to a point where it can be quiet, where it can be at peace. It means thinking in ways that make the life you are pursuing possible. 

A sound mind will sometimes feel pain, yet it's the pain of growth, not the pain of needless suffering. Once you've won a sound mind, nothing  will ever take its health away again. Not if you learn to guard it from what you let in. God's will for each of us is sound mental health and a capable mind. Even for those of us who are the most mentally sick. We can achieve soundness with effort, perseverance. and the determination to never quit pursuing the life we want.

15. Unusual Habits

 

Do not fear some of the habits you may develop to survive your years of mental illness.  For example, it is not uncommon to chain smoke. Or to pace back and forth in your house for hours.  You may keep the windows covered all day to lessen the paranoia you endure. You might drink a couple pots of coffee per day, sometimes even adding a two liter bottle of your favorite soda on the same day, day in and day out. 

You may find yourself going to sleep early in the evening so you can get up early in the morning.  You may spend as much time up as possible when the rest of the world is sleeping.  You may find it is easier to deal with the voices in your head when everyone else is asleep. 

You may drink alcohol to get drunk enough to go back to sleep for an hour or two.  Sleep provides a rest from the pain in your mind. You might drink in the morning, or whenever, just to have something to do while you are house bound with your illness. 

Habits like these will not hurt you.  You will, one day, outgrow them.  You will develop healthy habits, and a sound lifestyle. These unusual habits help you survive your illness by offering structure to your day.

14. Catastrophic Cleansing

The furious mental pain of mental illness is God's way of giving a catastrophic cleansing to the mind. It removes the useless dead end thinking processes.  It gets rid of any ineffective belief structures.

 This cleansing makes room for the formation of Christ's mind in us. For it is Christ's mind that works right for the mentally ill. Christ's mind is sound, so a mind formed in the likeness of His prospers in life in all things. 

Old ways of thinking must be burnt away by pain.  This process may go on for years.  When the mental pain has done it's work our mind is ready to be re-structured with a new thought process.  It's open to new beliefs. 

When you come into your new mind you will look back at your mental illness and see what a gift it was.  You'll see how it made this wonderful transformation possible. The fire of pain that burned so strong, and hurt so much, cools into calm.  You can think accurately now.  This will become the greatest asset in your life.

13. God's Love

God's love makes it so that when we look at someone of the opposite sex we see a love and beauty far beyond what human life is capable of without it.  With God's love there is no desire to possess..  We simply behold this unspeakable divine beauty.  When we see this heavenly beauty in the opposite sex our hands loose their desire to hold, and are freed from carnal desire. This freedom is breathtaking,

12. Others Will Heal

Others will heal. If while becoming mentally ill you failed to get ready for the future you envisioned find peace in the realization that God will heal things.  He will bless the people you could not be there for.  Do not torment yourself with thoughts of what may have been 'meant' to happen.  Others will heal.

11. If When

If when you feel the insidious onset of your illness you feel you're losing your grasp on life, that may not be the case. Even if it seems like you're throwing your life away,  you aren't. You're shedding your old life for a far better one up ahead.  First, you will have to endure years of severe mental pain.

You may experience high levels of physical discomfort.  You may have audio hallucinations (often called "voices"), delusions, fears, and/or paranoia.  As long as you are growing, and preparing the beliefs you will need for your healing, you will continue to grow.  Take action through therapy if needed.  It is often useful when looking towards a life of healing and possibility.  You'll find that God will open doors, and create circumstances for you to move you in the direction of the life you want. 

It's important to set your sights high enough to get off of SSI, and away from government support. A healed mind will no longer need these supports. God gives each of us a gift to use to support ourselves in the world.   For the mind to become sound, abundant creativity, and prosperous in thought, we must support ourselves.

We must find a vocation which allows us to fully use our minds. We must use our minds to create a way of life where we support ourselves.

10. Fantasies

 

Fantasies can keep our minds pleasantly occupied when we are housebound due to the paranoia that accompanies our illness. Fantasizing about having lots of money and what you could do with it can fill up hours of our day giving us something to do when we are home.  It helps when surviving and managing the voices we hear in our heads. We can wake in the morning and look forward to our fantasies, and the hours we spend with them. Fantasizing gives structure to part of the day.

9. Even

Even in the midst of strong suicidal mental pain, even when you're hearing voices, you have the ability to choose what to do. You can change your thoughts. You can choose new ways of thinking. 

Sometimes a change in thinking is made possible by a change in medication, or your living environment. In order to survive the severe psychic pain of mental illness,  you must develop a way to live from moment to moment. That is often what you're already doing when you live with strong, severe mental pain.  You must not do anything to hurt yourself.

8. You Will

 You will get a second chance. The dreams that didn't, or couldn't, come true due to your illness, aren't lost. They can be recovered.  As you come farther up the road you will get another chance to make your dreams come true. 

The years you spent overcoming mental illness prepared you. They readied you to respond to the next chance you'll receive. You won't miss this opportunity. You're equipped to take action and pursue what you want.

7. Mental Illness Three

Mental illness is mental giftedness. It is actually a mental gift in a terrible state of development. The process of transforming the illness into a useful gift can be a long one.  It may even take years. 

One must pass through life's hell to come to this heavenly new mind, and the wondrous life possible with it. It is worth the pain, and fear, and years of paranoia that you must endure to come to it. 

God is with you even if you have no sense of His presence.  He is with you through your illness, He is with you, and will bring you to the places you need to be to receive this new mind.  It is a mind like Christ's, creative, and capable of sound thought.  It can create any good, or great life you desire.

Transforming the ill mind to a new one is difficult.  It requires mental effort, and you may need many years of preparation in the areas of thinking and belief where your mind is concerned. It can be done, and its worth any distance you must travel for the prize of mental soundness, and health.

6. Mental Illness Two

Mental illness is the only gift God could give with the transformative power to help you become what you deep down inside most want to be in life.  You must travel a long, painful road to discover this gift.  You must never give up pursuing what you most want to be in life even if its  buried inside you, and long forgotten.  God wants you to remember.  He is waiting to help you achieve. 

You must believe when others won't.  You must be willing to work for what is important to you with both your mind and body. For hidden in work is the power to become a new creation. One with a sound, fit mind, and the ability to co-create life with God.

Healing is possible even if Jesus has gone on ahead to hold the gates to heaven open.  Because He showed us all infirmities can heal, we can heal.  It is forever established that your mind, no matter how sick,  can get better.  It can become new and sound again. 

Nothing can stop your healing if you believe you will heal. If you are willing to persevere without giving up.  You must be willing to learn new ways of thinking.  You must work to create a new life outside you. The journey to a new mind and life is possible.

5. Medications

 Medications  make it possible for the formation of new pathways of thought.  They impart, and enable, structural changes in the brain's chemistry.  New pathways can lead to new thought processes and belief systems in new realms of the mind.  It becomes possible to transform your mind and find soundness that wasn't there before. 

The healing of a schizo-affective mind depends, in large part, on the person seeking healing. A medication that makes a positive impact on brain chemistry, one you're at peace using, is the chance to develop new thinking. 

God will aid a soul that seeks to heal the mind. He'll use the most unsuspected circumstances to bring about events to bring the right medications to the mind in need of them.  But medications alone are not enough.  Effort must be made to take possession of one's mind. You can learn to change your thinking.  You can feel it.  It's as if a hand is grabbing the mind and taking full hold of it. 

Change and healing can be long, slow processes. They can take many years. They are greatly aided by the person seeking to heal their mind. Moving in the direction of a fully functioning life, the one they envision, can lead to all the joy and happiness of pursuing what you truly want. Medication may still be needed, but you can support yourself without SSI. Ideally, you'll find what you want your life to be. If you're willing to pursue it. Risk the loss of your old mentally ill life, and create a new, mentally sound one.

4. You Must

 

You must sacrifice your mental health to remain on SSI.  Once you've come to the point in your journey where you're ready for your mind to be transformed, you must make the necessary efforts to heal. A healed mind needs to create a living for itself to remain healthy and sound. The mind heals when it can create new life. Medications may still be needed, but as the mind heals proper medications will not have side effects that hinder its functioning. It will operate soundly.

3. Mental Illness One

 

Mental illness didn't happen to you to stop you. It happened to you to transform you. The removal of your old life may require that you pass through the hell of mental illness. Rest assured that a whole new life awaits, and a new mind, new joys, and a rebirth of your spirit.

2. The Furious

 

The furious mental pains burning inside a mind with a mental illness serve a useful purpose. They burn the old mental process  to ashes.  They turn the mind into fertile ground so new thought processes and thinking can develop. 

New thought processes take considerable effort to create.  The development of new thought processes may be the most difficult work a person can do. A mind that has been burnt down is like the foundation poured to build a house upon.  It's ready for a new framework. 

Reading is one of the best ways to supply a mind with the resources for the new thoughts required to erect a novel framework, or thought patterns. As new thought processes develop, new work will need to be done.  The best way to help shape new thinking into a new process is with a new approach.  Together they enable a person to live a new life. 

Both of these processes, the burning away of the old and the creation of the new, may take many years. Healing, however, is available to anyone willing to create a new mind. Healing is available if you follow through on the work that will strengthen a new mind.  

The author of sound mind, Christ, will guide the restoration.  He will guide even the sickest, most unbalanced, and afflicted mind.  Simple faith in Him, and His ability to heal from heaven, is all that's needed.  If you undertake the necessary work  of building a new mind, one like His, you'll find work that allows your new thought process to create a new life.

1. A Mentally Ill Person

A mentally ill person who never heals their mind, and claims they are not mentally ill, may have a mind that would be sound in a different world. In this world, with it's schools of thought, systems of education, and business, a certain soundness must be present. The author of the soundest mind possible, Jesus Christ, can guide the life and healing of the most mentally ill mind into the same mind He had. 

You must be willing to do the difficult work of transforming your mind and it's thinking. You must be willing to get off of SSI. Once you believe that Jesus is really there, and that He is there for the soundness of your mind, healing can begin. This requires faith in Him, and a willingness to create the life you want.

Slowly you will bring about a new mind and life. It may take years of perseverance. A mind like His depends on a relationship with Him. His is a mind where overcoming is possible, where difficult stretches can be endured. Where the most difficult work environments can result in rich character development. It is a mind that sees God's hand in every circumstance.