The year after my diagnosis I was living at my father's house. My days were full of terrible psychic pain, suicidal thoughts, and a persistent paranoia that terrified me. On this one day, however, I was given a ray of hope.
My Father's friend Mo was visiting. (I was working for Mo at his home when I took my clothes off and walked to a neighbors to ask for a glass of water. I was promptly arrested.) Mo was visiting with his partner, Pam, who was an encouraging person. She saw hope and possibility in everything around her.
In my hopeless condition, I was starved to read or hear anything positive. I had found no confirmation from any source that stated I could heal. All I had was my own weak, but certain belief that I could, and would. No evidence to support my beliefs could be found or seemed to exist.
On this day Pam started a cheerful conversation with me. I immediately felt better. We were talking about my chances of getting well when she said this…
"When you get this worked out you're going to be a pillar!"
She said it with such confidence it caused something inside me to stand up straight. Part of me was drenched in hopelessness, paranoia, and fear. But in that moment I was aware of another part of me. I felt there was something in me that could heal. I felt I would, indeed, be a pillar.
Her words were as real to me as the concrete under my feet, and I clung to them. I never forgot what she said. After all these years, and everything I've been through in God's iron regimen that is my life, I believe He is using me as a pillar. My spirit has that kind of substance and strength. It has those qualities because of Him.
Pam's words still live in me today. They're as vivid as the day she spoke them. They're set in me with permanence in the same way a child places their hand and footprints in a slab of wet concrete. They have marked me forever.