The story that scared me away from suicide was a story I found in a book about life after death...
During the year I was diagnosed I began to experience psychic pain that was so terrible I was contemplating suicide. I wanted to find out what happened to someone who committed suicide because that was all I could think of doing to end the pain I was in.
I came across a story of a man who had committed suicide and was pronounced legally dead. He was taken to a hospital where they resuscitated him and brought him back to life. After he recovered he said that he had gone to a dark, awful place and it felt as though he would be there for a very long time. This was enough to scare me away from suicide.
At that point, my mental illness was quite terrible and painful. I also had high levels of physical discomfort that caused me to pace all the time. Constant paranoia terrified me all through the day. Yet his words about suicide seemed like an even worse thing to have to go through than mental illness.
I also remember hearing someone say if you kill yourself you will not be around when you do heal, and that struck a chord with me as well. But it was what my father said to me one night during that painful period of life that saved me from ever attempting suicide.
During this period of terrible pain, I told my dad all I could think about was killing myself. My dad told me I would not kill myself. His words surprised me. That one sentence from him in my moment of desperate need passed into me enough strength so that I never tried to hurt myself.
In the years to come the pain I was going through was so suicidally strong the only way I could cope was to give myself permission to kill myself, as long as it was in the future. As I survived these bouts with this strong pain, my thoughts of killing myself would pass.
I relieved the psychic pain by writing mental suicide letters to people. In time, I did heal, and the pain ended. I was ever so grateful for the strength my father gave me that night that saved my life.
You too will heal, and the pain you are going through will one day be gone, leaving you with a strong mind. We are capable of bearing very high levels of mental pain. The pain causes us to grow. Yet we don't see the growth until years later. We see it when the pain is gone, and life is full of new joys, happiness, and soundness of mind.
