20. The Day

The day I learned I could change my thoughts I'd spoken to a person on the suicide crisis line.  Although I wasn't suicidal, I called the line a lot. I called because there was always someone to talk to, and I needed to share what I was going through with someone. The workers were always kind. and talked to me as long as there wasn't a "lethal case" call.  

I was hearing voices in my head at that time in my life. I remember getting off a Crisis Line call one day, and realizing I could change my thoughts. Within a month of this discovery I applied for, and received, a new one bedroom apartment in a housing cooperative in Santa Cruz. I was searching for a way to move out of the housing program I was in, and now after my discovery I was able. I could change my thoughts to change my living situation.  So I did. 

I moved into this new apartment, made a couple trips to the mental health unit to change my medication and the voices were gone. Two years later I had to move back into the housing program I'd been in, but the voices I'd heard for seven years were gone. I also found I no longer needed therapy (I'd seen a psychotherapist for four years). The end of the voices came about through tremendous mental effort, and taking possession of my own mind. A medication called clozapine also helped. I still take a very small amount of it today.