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The tape that gave me hope was a cassette recording of ocean waves breaking and crashing on the sea shore. With mental illness came a psychic pain that was almost too much to bear. For months I survived the pain by giving myself permission to kill myself in the future. This thought was enough of a relief valve for the pain that I never made an attempt on my life.
Also, my dad gave me strength one night when he told me that I wouldn't commit suicide. His words prevented me from ever making an attempt, but they did not stop me from exploring the possibility.
I called a pawn shop to find out what it would take to get a gun. I searched the house for my dad's shotgun, which I never found. I imagined putting it in my mouth and pulling the trigger. Chilling thoughts today.
I calculated how much medication I would have to take to overdose, and end my life. I constantly imagined what suicide was like, hoping it would end my pain without spiritual consequences. Then I found a book that stopped that.
In it a man who had actually committed suicide was brought back to life by doctors. He said his spirit had gone to a dark, awful place, where he had the feeling he would be for a very long time. That kept me away from suicide as well. The pain of mental illness was so terrible already that I couldn't imagine committing suicide and causing more pain to myself.
Suicidal thoughts plagued me for many years. That cassette tape I had of the ocean crashing on the shore saved me. I listened to it so much that it finally broke. It gave me the belief that even in the midst of suicidal pain and loss of peace of mind, that peace was possible. The ocean, at that point in my life, represented peace. Hearing the waves helped me through the hardest four months of my entire life.
I stopped taking lithium. My doctor had prescribed it thinking I was manic-depressive. Soon after, the mental pain changed enough for the better that I could manage without suicidal thinking.