You will not kill yourself. With the onset of the severe pain of mental illness and unbearable discomfort in the body, suicidal thoughts become part of your life. There may be days where that's all you think about. Sometimes the only way we find relief from the mental pain is by giving permission to kill ourselves in the future. Even if we don't really want to. We just want the pain to end.
If we can survive the pain we'll come to see we can endure it. We don't need to hurt ourselves. We must find mechanisms like pacing, chain-smoking, and drinking coffee all day to help endure the pain. We can never resort to suicide because if we do we throw away the chance to heal forever.
Suicidal thoughts are permissible. Writing suicide letters in your mind can help. If you bear the terrible pain, it yields to you, and you will have a brand new mind, one far better than the one that got sick. You'll find that the pain that was once so bad can't drive you to suicide if you believe you can heal. It is possible for anyone, even someone with the most debilitating mental illness, to heal. The key lies in your belief that you will heal. Mental illness doesn't stand a chance because of Jesus.
If you believe you can heal (and you can), and nourish that belief with the help of a therapist, caseworker, or friend who believes you can heal, you'll become a new person, with a new mind. You will no longer be even the slightest bit sick.
Your life will become a prize no one can take from you. You'll find so many hopes and possibilities that you'll feel like a rich man or woman. What seems impossible in the darkest years of your illness will become a new life up the road. You will inherit a spirit that will not quit.