When I moved back into my Dad's house, a typical day looked like this. My dad would get up and go to work, leaving me alone in his house. I'd get up and face the pain and the fear and the physical discomfort that was with me each day and caused me to pace. I'd call suicide prevention lines for support and to help cope with the pain.
From the moment I got up, I'd start chain-smoking, and pacing back and forth through the house. I'd sip on a cup of coffee each time I returned to the kitchen counter like I was doing laps. I did this for hours every day while my dad was at work. The mental pain forced me to think constantly. I had no peace of mind or mental rest.
One day while pacing through the family room I remember thinking, "this illness is a vehicle for change." It was the first real instance of positive self-talk I had given myself since being diagnosed. It also became the cornerstone belief I built upon in the years to come.
Today I look at myself and my life and see how they have changed more for the better than I would have thought back then. I believe that I could make a significant contribution to the world of mental health in some way before I die.
I say this because of what I've seen God and Jesus do in me.
It's becoming a more important part of my life because of the potential good it could do in the world of mental health. My dreams include creating and establishing a foundation that can serve the healing of the mentally ill all throughout the world. From this vantage point in my life, these things are years up the road. But the belief that they can happen is growing more and more real all the time.
In the depths of the hell of mental illness, a thought was planted in my mind that today is starting to bear fruit. The ratio of positive to negative thoughts back then seemed 1000 negative thoughts to one positive. I found myself cultivating negative thoughts and then apologizing to the person I cultivated them toward.
I was ashamed at deliberately cultivating negative thinking towards someone I loved. Through my relationship with Christ I've learned to treat my mind like a sive by removing the vile thoughts from the good. I then speak and build my life with the good.
It is a constant process that will have no end in this life. Our minds in this life will always need constant attention to work the way they are intended to. The process of finding the good in our thinking and discarding the rest can become a habit that takes effort to maintain.
There is scripture in Christ's gospel that addresses this part of life, that weeds, or tares (negative or bad, critical, mean, destructive, and even evil thoughts) grow in our thinking along with the good thoughts, and that they must be sorted from the good and discarded, left to die. Part of healing a mental illness involves developing the mental strength to be able to refuse using one thought in favor of using another.
Overcoming the pain of mental illness greatly helps develop a stronger mind, a mind with greater strength to choose sound, creative thinking and thoughts. Anyone can learn to conduct their mind in sound creative ways.