43. Smoking

 

Some mentally ill people smoke. I did. I chain-smoked 2 1/2 packs of Camel Lights per day. They were a dollar a pack when I started smoking them.

When I lived in supported housing there was a guy who sold cartons of cigarettes for the same price he paid on the military base in Monterey.  The cost was less, which helped because a good portion of my SSI check went to cigarettes. 

Smoking gives a mentally ill person something to do. You can spend hours smoking cigarettes and sipping coffee, soda, or even beer, while you're stuck in a house all day because of your paranoia. Each drag on a cigarette and its dose of nicotine gave minor comfort from the mental pain.

Cigarettes literally become like friends. You take them everywhere you go. I remember thinking one day while standing at a bus stop to catch a bus home, that all I needed were cigarettes and alcohol. There were periods of courage when I'd go to a bar during the day, drink up to a six-pack, and chain smoke.  Back then you could smoke in a bar in California. This would occupy me for a while and then I would go home. It was a pleasure that broke up the painful, paranoid hours spent pacing in the house. 

Years later, after my mind had healed some and I was preparing to go back to school, I quit smoking. My mom died of lung cancer during that time and the fear of getting emphysema caused me to cut back to a quarter pack a day.  I smoked the whole pack but only took a few puffs of each cigarette. 

I then read a book about how to quit that taught me how to mentally prepare to quit for good. I followed the suggestions and was able to stop smoking.  It took effort every day for the first month or two but it wasn't difficult. I never again had the desire to smoke, and it's good knowing my body has cleaned all the tar out of my lungs. 

42. The Tape That

 

The tape that gave me hope was a cassette recording of ocean waves breaking and crashing on the sea shore.   With mental illness came a psychic pain that was almost too much to bear.  For months I survived the pain by giving myself permission to kill myself in the future.  This thought was enough of a relief valve for the pain that I never made an attempt on my life. 

Also, my dad gave me strength one night when he told me that I wouldn't commit suicide.  His words prevented me from ever making an attempt, but they did not stop me from exploring the possibility. 

I called a pawn shop to find out what it would take to get a gun. I searched the house for my dad's shotgun, which I never found.  I imagined putting it in my mouth and pulling the trigger. Chilling thoughts today. 

I calculated how much medication I would have to take to overdose, and end my life. I constantly imagined what suicide was like, hoping it would end my pain without spiritual consequences.  Then I found a book that stopped that. 

In it a man who had actually committed suicide was brought back to life by doctors.  He said his spirit had gone to a dark, awful place, where he had the feeling he would be for a very long time. That kept me away from suicide as well.  The pain of mental illness was so terrible already that I couldn't imagine committing suicide and causing more pain to myself. 

Suicidal thoughts plagued me for many years. That cassette tape I had of the ocean crashing on the shore saved me.  I listened to it so much that it finally broke. It gave me the belief that even in the midst of suicidal pain and loss of peace of mind, that peace was possible.  The ocean, at that point in my life, represented peace. Hearing the waves helped me through the hardest four months of my entire life. 

I stopped taking lithium. My doctor had prescribed it thinking I was manic-depressive. Soon after, the mental pain changed enough for the better that I could manage without suicidal thinking.

41. The thought That

When I moved back into my Dad's house, a typical day looked like this.  My dad would get up and go to work, leaving me alone in his house. I'd get up and face the pain and the fear and the physical discomfort that was with me each day and caused me to pace.  I'd call suicide prevention lines for support and to help cope with the pain.

 From the moment I got up, I'd start chain-smoking, and pacing back and forth through the house. I'd sip on a cup of coffee each time I returned to the kitchen counter like I was doing laps. I did this for hours every day while my dad was at work. The mental pain forced me to think constantly. I had no peace of mind or mental rest. 

One day while pacing through the family room I remember thinking, "this illness is a vehicle for change."  It was the first real instance of positive self-talk I had given myself since being diagnosed. It also became the cornerstone belief I built upon in the years to come. 

Today I  look at myself and my life and see how they have changed more for the better than I would have thought back then.  I believe that  I could make a significant contribution to the world of mental health in some way before I die.

 I say this because of what I've seen God and Jesus do in me. 

It's becoming a more important part of my life because of the potential good it could do in the world of mental health. My dreams include creating and establishing a foundation that can serve the healing of the mentally ill all throughout the world.  From this vantage point in my life, these things are years up the road.  But the belief that they can happen is growing more and more real all the time. 

In the depths of the hell of mental illness, a thought was planted in my mind that today is starting to bear fruit. The ratio of positive to negative thoughts back then seemed 1000 negative thoughts to one positive. I found myself cultivating negative thoughts and then apologizing to the person I cultivated them toward. 

 I was ashamed at deliberately cultivating negative thinking towards someone I loved. Through my relationship with Christ I've learned to treat my mind like a sive by removing the vile thoughts from the good. I then speak and build my life with the good. 

It is a constant process that will have no end in this life. Our minds in this life will always need constant attention to work the way they are intended to. The process of finding the good in our thinking and discarding the rest can become a habit that takes effort to maintain. 

There is scripture in Christ's gospel that addresses this part of life, that weeds, or tares (negative or bad, critical, mean, destructive, and even evil thoughts) grow in our thinking along with the good thoughts, and that they must  be sorted from the good and discarded, left to die. Part of healing a mental illness involves developing the mental strength to be able to refuse using one thought in favor of using another. 

Overcoming the pain of mental illness greatly helps develop a stronger mind, a mind with greater strength to choose sound, creative thinking and thoughts. Anyone can learn to conduct their mind in sound creative ways.

40. Finally Diagnosed

 

If not for my mother,  I don't know if I would have been diagnosed.  I would have taken longer for me to get help, and  I would have gotten into further trouble.

Just before I received my evaluation and diagnosis I spent a weekend in jail.  I was arrested for taking my clothes off in public.   I had disrobed publicly several times before being arrested.  It made me feel somehow close to God, in His presence.  I was relieved to be in jail.   I couldn't do anything else like that while I was there.  I made no effort to contact anyone to bail me out. 

On the afternoon of my arrest, there were two of us in the cell they put me in. By late evening, when they began admitting us into the main jail, the cell was packed.   I remember staying in the shower stall.  I felt safe in jail.  It felt like God went there with me.     

I was taken to the courthouse with the other inmates on the Monday after my arrest.  They had us sit in the jury box where we could look out and see everyone in the courtroom.   My dad was there.  I don't know how he found out I was in jail because I hadn't called anyone to let them know.  I remember feeling deeply moved that he was there.  I felt tremendous love from him by his presence in the courtroom.

The judge brought up my case.  I don't remember what I said,  only that it was brief.  I was told to see a psychiatrist for six months, which I did.  I was never able to talk to that psychiatrist about what I had done, or been going through.  Our visits were always a brief fifteen minutes, and the six months of seeing him didn't help anything.  I saw him after my stay in the mental hospital I was in, as well. 

After my release from jail, I rode the bus back to my dad's house with my jail ID bracelet still on my wrist.  I don't remember talking to anyone about what I had done when I got home.  A day or two after getting to my dad's house, my mom and sister came to visit.  They told me to get in the car, that we were going for a ride, and I was happy to do so. They took me to the local mental hospital. 

Once admitted, I went to the intake room.  My mom and my sister were there, and a hospital worker named Laura.  Laura closed the door and began talking to me, and asking questions. For four years my illness grew worse and worse in me, and I had never talked to anyone about it.  I hadn't known what was happening to me.  I didn't know how to reach out to anyone for help.  I started pouring everything out. I don't know how long I was there, but it was a relief to finally talk about what I'd been going through for years. 

They admitted me and told me I'd be staying there.  I remember noticing they locked the door after they let me in so I wouldn't be able to leave.  I could tell something major in my life was changing from that point on. They gave me my diagnosis and began giving me medication.  I now knew I was mentally ill.

39. You'll Be

The year after my diagnosis I was living at my father's house.  My days were full of terrible psychic pain, suicidal thoughts, and a persistent paranoia that terrified me.  On this one day, however, I was given a ray of hope. 

My Father's friend Mo was visiting. (I was working for Mo at his home when I took my clothes off and walked to a neighbors to ask for a glass of water. I was promptly arrested.)  Mo was visiting with his partner, Pam, who was an encouraging person. She saw hope and possibility in everything around her. 

In my hopeless condition, I was starved to read or hear anything positive. I had found no confirmation from any source that stated I could heal.  All I had was my own weak, but certain belief that I could, and would. No evidence to support my beliefs could be found or seemed to exist. 

On this day Pam started a cheerful conversation with me. I immediately felt better. We were talking about my chances of getting well when she said this…

"When you get this worked out you're going to be a pillar!" 

She said it with such confidence it caused something inside me to stand up straight. Part of me was drenched in hopelessness, paranoia, and fear.  But in that moment I was aware of another part of me. I felt there was something in me that could heal.  I felt I would, indeed, be a pillar. 

Her words were as real to me as the concrete under my feet, and I clung to them. I never forgot what she said. After all these years, and everything I've been through in God's iron regimen that is my life, I believe He is using me as a pillar. My spirit has that kind of substance and strength.  It has those qualities because of Him. 

Pam's words still live in me today. They're as vivid  as the day she spoke them. They're set in me with permanence in the same way a child places their hand and footprints in a slab of wet concrete. They have marked me forever.

38. Your Therapist

 

Your therapist wants to know if you believe you can heal your mental illness.  Before they take you on as a new patient, a good therapist will make sure you believe you can heal. Without that belief, he or she may be powerless to help you. 

Christ taught that as we believe so it is done unto us. We can heal if we believe, and follow through with the mental and physical effort needed for the work that must be done.   The healing of your life and mind can resemble Job's life in the bible. We live a good life.   We lose that life to our illness.  And sometime later (different time frames for different people) we are restored. 

God gave us Job's life and story to encourage us.  God works the same way in our lives that He did in Job's.  Just the illness is different. It's worth noting that this restoration takes work on our part.  Our mind heals and becomes sound through the work. 

Jesus often required some small act of faith, like stretching out a hand, or getting up to walk, from those he healed.  In cases like ours, all he requires is a simple relationship with Him. He requires us to create the life we want.  As we do that, His healing forces work in our favor.   Over time, he brings about our healing, and we create the life we want to live.

37. God Has Designed Us

God has designed us so we often resist change without the help of suffering.  Suffering, no matter how great, can't harm us.  It is allowed in our life as a catalyst for the fundamental,  thorough transformation of our mind, heart, spirit, and life. 

God makes the development of the very mind, spirit, heart, and life we want with a cataclysm of pain.  He does this when we're enduring our illness, even if we cannot see these g things coming.  Mental health, soundness, and fitness of our inner spiritual life await.  We must travel by blind faith for many years. A new mental life and health are out there for everyone who won't quit in its pursuit.

 God withholds this mind from no one. The most mentally ill person on earth can receive it.  We have much to learn about our minds.  The most important thing is being in possession of our own minds.  Learn to think like Christ.  Be able to take thoughts captive, and be willing to guard your mind, choosing what you let in. Such a guarded and protected mind can open in the proper way, upwards, growing in width the higher it goes towards God in Heaven. 

Possession of the mind, the cleansing, and control of its thinking, is one of the hardest things a human can learn.  It is the key to living a successful, fruitful, and worthwhile life.  The suffering of mental illness begins to come to an end when you learn to take possession of your own mind.  Even when it is full-blown sick. God can be trusted to create the circumstances that lead you to the moment when your mind can truly become YOUR mind. Once you have possession of it you can begin to heal. If you pursue the life you want to the best of your knowledge of what that is. 

Learning to relate to Christ is key, for He is the source of the mind God desires us to have.  It's a mind where mental illness has no place, and cannot dwell.  One that can be your own. Our suffering is designed to bring us to possess our own minds. and go on to form the mind of Christ in our own mind. 

Perhaps the suffering we experience is so great because the difficulty of creating Christ's mind in place of our own is difficult. at least getting to the point where we can is difficult. God may allow such pain with mental illness because He knows that's what it takes to get us to change.   All those years of suicidal thoughts and profound mental pain are what must be endured for the reward of a mind like Christ's.

36. Even In

Even in the deepest darkness, the deepest hells of mental illness, God is with you. My wonderful therapist Frank Lanou once referred to mental illness as one of life's hells. It is indeed that. Many of the aspects of the hell of mental illness are the same as those depicted by Catholics in their books about what hell is like in the spirit world. 

However, God created us so even if we find ourselves in the hell of mental illness, certain things are still possible while we're there. 

1) Friendships grow. We develop significant enduring friendships with people we live through these years of our life with. People we share mental health housing with become lifelong friends. People we meet in mental hospitals become friends and inspire and enlighten us. Caregivers, caseworkers, therapists, psychiatrists, and everyone who aids our journey during these dark, frightening years become permanent parts of our lives, and who we become. 

2) There is a way through. Even with the ability to live a normal life out of our grasp, there is a path through mental illness that requires creativity. We create daily routines that enable us to survive our housebound years. There is a way through that requires us to find our way through the dark. Simple faith makes healing possible.  Over time, it may lead to a fully healed mind, one that is sound and strong, and correct in its thinking.  One no longer suffering from "voices," delusions, paranoia, and the terrible shame that accompanies a mental illness. 

3) We still feel love and kindness and can give and show them, as well. While many of the good feelings we enjoyed before getting ill left and were replaced with physical and mental discomfort, love and joy still break through.  They remind us that they're still in us and have not died away. We are enduring an illness that removed the good feelings and left us searching.  Searching for a return to the life with an abundance of good, pleasant, and wonderful feelings.  Feelings that will return in time in new and better ways. God works in us, using our illness to increase our capacity to feel, love, and show compassion to others. 

4) We still dream.  Our dreams are often dreams of healing, and living a life free of mental illness. These dreams, like any dream you had before you were sick, that you pursued, do come true.  As long as you take action to help them come true, they do.  We eventually find ourselves, after years of mental illness, living a life we couldn't even dream of when ill. Life becomes so much better than we thought it could be. We win, and we're given a level of mental health we didn't know exists. 

5) Needs are met, and God never stops working on our behalf. He provides for our needs. Housing is given if you seek it.  Money, even if it is just an SSI check, will be provided.  If you find yourself having to ask or panhandle for money,  people will give to you. You will have food, clothes, and transportation even if it's a bike or the bus. The key to all things working in your favor while you are ill is the same for someone who is not ill. You must come to God and have faith that He exists. Christ spoke to us and said, "come to me." That simple command holds the key to enduring and emerging from, your years of mental illness. The simple belief that Christ is there, and that you can approach, and press into Him. He is, and you can. He lives, and through a simple relationship with Himself, you can heal your mind and spirit. 

6) You can develop faith in the depths of mental illness.  In it's painful and dark hell.  Faith in God is still possible, and that faith will lead to the healing of your mind, to your whole life. You will be led into a mental health and soundness you didn't know was possible.  You will be led back into the light of a joyful, wonderful life.

35. Staying on SSI

Staying on SSI, in the long run, can lead to a deep misery in our souls. God has placed the energy of His spirit inside each of us. This energy demands that we act and use Him, (this energy is God's own spirit), to create something of our life. This energy can feel miserable when we underuse it for long periods.  It transforms into joy as we begin to use it to make something of our life. This may explain why some people who stay on SSI while doing some work, never experience the deeper joys from the misery that accompanies long periods on SSI. Especially when we've grown capable of working our way off it. 

SSI may be needed for decades. Only you can determine if you are willing to one day work yourself off of it. The full return of the soundness of your mind, the tranforming of your mind into a new creation will in all likelihood need the help of your efforts to work at something that supports your life off of SSI. 

We never come to an end to our mind's growth in this life.  Our minds never, even in God's heaven and kingdom, stop growing.  But we can indeed outgrow and leave behind the illness of our mind, while we live our life here on earth. It is a very worthwhile thing to work for. 

No amount of difficulty in work is worth sacrificing your life for an SSI check.   God has given you a spirit in Jesus that can overcome even the most severe things we must face in this life. He wants you to live a life of exceeding joy. 

He gives life value and makes our lives valuable to others. Every life is precious to God. No amount of mental illness is too great to be healed of. God has a plan and purpose for your life. 

For those who are willing, meet Him in that life one day off your SSI check, tasting the rapture of a right relationship with God, living in the freedom to fulfill and accomplish the purpose He created you for.

34. There Was

There was, in the first years after being diagnosed with my illness, typically one night a month where I could not get to sleep. Those were miserable days, and they happened like clockwork, month after month after month. My psychiatrist would give me four sleeping pills per month, and I would use them all each month. Even today, decades later, if I don't take my small dose of clozapine on a daily basis I cannot get to sleep.  My mind fights to stay awake if I don't take it, and I can't sleep. I'm at peace with needing medication to sleep. There are no side effects. It is just part of my life.

33. My Soul Lives

 

My soul lives in a kind of darkness that accompanies me wherever I go. This darkness is more noticeable when I'm in a house and staying home more than going out. This darkness has the effect of driving me into the light. The light that shines from Christ's throne with God in heaven. The light given to us to illuminate our way in this world. 

I have lived without a home of my own long enough to know that God Himself is my home.  I know that wherever He chooses for me to live (in my car, at a friend's, or sometimes at a family member's house) I always have a place in Jesus Christ.  Where ever I am that makes me feel at home. 

It is a gift, this inner darkness, as it allows me to see where to reach, and grab God's hand.  As a result, I never feel alone, or without a friend.  Jesus loves me more than anyone else on earth can. He knows how to direct my life so that it is fruitful and useful. 

This inner darkness has no power to rob me of the joys I know, or the pleasure of living a useful life that impacts and influences others. It can't bar me from encounters with true happiness, or the true love that touches me as I go about living. My dreams not only live, but they also increase in size the closer I come to God. 

I live with a total trust in Jesus, for there are distresses and concerns that would overcome me if not for His living presence in my life.  The things that distress and concern me like my health, my living situation, and material insecurities, have no power to diminish the prize of my own life because He is there. 

Instead, life remains an eternal adventure, even amidst homelessness, poverty, and broken health. The promise that the future can change into something better is an inextinguishable source of hope. I work at doing what I must to make it happen. 

The treasures I am reaping at this point in my life are treasures of character, will, and resolve. I have the ability to pursue what I want of life, even in the face of impossibilities.  They are powerless to prevent a new life from happening.  The darkness that was sent to deter me has instead (by Christ's life and death and resurrection)  become a stairway that leads home.  The Home above where no illness of any kind, in any form, exists. 

I'm like a runner in a marathon finding his greatest strength, his greatest energy, at the end of the race. I'm finding within me a new spirit whose most fruitful days are ahead. A spirit that wants to run at its highest capacity the closer I get to the end of my life.  The price I must pay for the life that I want, I am more and more willing to pay, the longer my life goes on.

32. Mental Illness Four

Mental illness will give you the opportunity to learn to detach from the material things you own. As your life goes on, and you heal, you will make the pleasant discovery that you can own things without attachment. This brings new freedom into life.

31. Be Willing

 

Be willing to part with your SSI check when the time comes to regain your mental health. Your mind will need to be disciplined, and engaged in making a living for yourself, to be in your fittest, healthiest, soundest condition. The time to learn to work and support yourself may be years, or decades up the road. 

For some people getting off SSI may not be feasible. Deep misery can accumulate in a soul that avoids work for too long. Sometimes it is this misery itself that drives us back to work, when we see the misery will not abate, or heal, if we remain inactive.

If the right thought processes are created, and the right beliefs put in place, we will have no desire for dependence upon an SSI check for money.  Even if the work is very difficult

If we encounter financial problems after learning to support ourselves off of SSI,  we won't return to the numbing effect SSI has on the spirit. The spirit God gives us demands that we learn to help others. 

Having said that, SSI is a very real need for many and may be for many long years with mental illness. Still, a mentally sound man or woman will use their mind for work that brings joy, meaning and purpose to their life. 

SSI can hold us back from our best life. If we get comfortable receiving it we may miss the opportunity purposeful work can bring. We may miss the opportunity to heal the mind when the time to go to work arrives.

30. Christ Is Not

Mental illness is not punishment.  It is something God uses to bring you into a relationship with Him through a relationship with Jesus. The road through mental illness leads to the doorway to a relationship with Christ. Once that door is reached you can knock and it will open, no matter how long it takes to get there.

It is through that door you'll find the end of your illness and the beginning of impeccable mental health.  You will find a relationship with Christ.  A relationship that allows you access to treasures in your spirit.  And the soundest life possible, by entering into the treasure house that is Christ Himself.

29. It Is A Mistake

It is a mistake to think mental illness will heal the same way a cut on your finger heals. That you can just put a bandage over it and give it time and it will heal. It is also a mistake to think that once you are healed of your illness it will be easy to go back to work. 

It is actually quite difficult to heal from mental illness. It requires doing the difficult work of developing new thought processes. Going back to work after many years on SSI, and not working while on SSI, can be a very difficult and uncomfortable process. The mind in some ways atrophies through many years of being on SSI. The mind needs to be strengthened after years of illness. 

Reading is the best way to strengthen a mind and learn new ways of thinking. Listening to things that help you build your mind and its new thought processes help too. New thought processes applied to some form of work allow you to learn new mental discipline, which is important to help your mind grow sound. 

What drives these new processes is a strong desire for a new life and the willingness to pursue it with the belief that you will heal. Nothing will stop the healing of your mind except the very way you think coupled with what you believe, backed by your willingness to work to create the life you want. Once you accept that the healing process is difficult, in many ways it stops being difficult. It becomes something that simply requires real effort. 

Any mind can heal. Even the most severely ill mind can be changed and made new.